I recently saw Steve Harvey’s movie; “Think Like a Man” and in all honesty it was surprisingly good.  My assumption was that it would be a movie slanted more towards the desires of women and made us men to look like dogs.  

Although I love my brother Tyler Perry, I expected a movie like; “For Colored Girls Only”.  In that movie almost every man was portrayed negatively and a good relationship seemed out of reach.  Think Like a Man however was more of a coming of age story for the bros.  Much like Marvin Winans Jr “Image of Man”, Usher’s “Here I am” CD or Jay - Z’s “Kingdom Come” (Yes I just referenced Jay…pray for me).  Those of you who have heard those musical masterpieces can appreciate that comment.

In the movie I could relate in varying degrees to the male characters on the screen and saw elements of my friends and myself in each one of them.  The movie got me thinking about societies notions of “manhood” and my personal transition from tweenie (twenty something with teenager tendencies) to full grown arse man.  

With the advent of social media; allowing communities to coagulate around common causes, likes and preferences the classical picture of manhood has morphed in a good way.  No longer is the picture of a man just a bearded, caveman like jock who enjoys meat and potatoes.  Those of us who are clean shaven, prefer less meat and a good Neil Ferguson book over the Lakers can also be seen as “manly men”.

Manhood has become less about outward expressions and more about internal character and core beliefs.  This is a very good thing because although we all can’t be super star athletes… we all can become good men…and ladies can learn to identify us amongst the other riff raff.

So in the spirit of internal character I decided to share a few of the lessons that men I identify as good, have given me throughout the years.  Hopefully this will serve as self check to my brothers and a momentary insight into “man thought” for my sisters.

Purpose: At the CENTER of a good man is a sense of purpose.  A good man knows why he is on this earth.  Men as a whole need purpose, we need to know why.  That’s why we avoid things we don’t understand or things that are void of logical explanation. 

It’s important for a man to know his purpose because he will see the rest of the world through that lens.  All his relationships, achievements and choices will be seen through his lens of “why?”.  

Purpose isn’t a deep thing.  It doesn’t have to be contrived. It can be as simple and as broad as “To serve God and people” or as specific and narrow as “to use social enterprise to bring equitable food to urban areas”.  The point is that having a sense of purpose will keep a good man on a his life road.  

My belief is that the purpose of a thing can only be found in the original designs and for that you need to seek the designer.  So by default a good man MUST has a relationship with God.  Ill Speak more on that later.

Vision: As a man matures, typically his vision gets clearer and more refined.  Vision is what I describe as the vehicle that a man will use to achieve his purpose.  Vision takes a broad purpose like: “to serve God and people” and gives it practical application.  Vision takes purpose and paints a picture that a man can aspire to.  Vision is innate and natural for most men; when PURPOSE is realized and the proper CONDITIONS exist vision just oozes out of a good man.

It may come in the form of a man describing what he wants his future life to look like.  Where he want’s to go to school.  What he wants to do with his life, his resources and his relationships.  Vision will even dictate what type of woman a man will date seriously or marry.  Ladies a man without vision and purpose is dangerous.  Men without it will never be completely satisfied with you because man was made to achieve.  Typically a man will only be as comfortable with a serious relationship as much as he is in this “vision / purpose” area.

Fellas as a side note the more exposure you have to concepts, ideas and other successful men the more your vision will expand.  Make it a point to expose yourself to success on a higher level than what you currently see. Read books, study great people and push yourself to be better today than you were yesterday.

Ambition: According to good men ambition is key to being a good man.  What good is it to be a man of purpose and vision if you just sit back and watch life happen instead of building a life. 

Ambition is what will drive a man to find a career.  It will push a man towards finishing his education or to start a business.  Ambition will cause him to carry himself a certain way; how he dresses and grooms himself.

Ambition is the x factor that makes purpose and vision work.  Without it, man is barely more than a dreamer or talker.  However with ambition only man is dangerous; he will go after whatever he wants whenever he wants without regard to anything or anyone else.

Confidence: Good men are confident men.  They know themselves and their past accomplishments well.  A good man has achieved a bit in the past and knows he will achieve more in the future.  These men have been in situations where only God Himself could open a door and He did.  Good men have been there and done that and walk and speak with a confidence that matches.

This isn’t a fake confidence or cockiness either.  This is a real expectation that a good man has to succeed.  They go after what they want and more often than not they see it come to pass.

The better they know themselves then the better acquainted they are with their strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes.  They play up the strengths and likes (this is called swag) and play down the weaknesses.

In fact when they meet a woman that matches…oh boy watch out!  A power couple is about to be birthed.

Faith: Faith is the obvious one because it is the MOST important, but ironically it also is the one that is first to be ignored when most women evaluate men.  A good man has a good relationship with God, period.  

Sometimes things are not going to be perfect, some goals wont be achieved and sometimes bad choices will be made.  A man devoid of a relationship with Christ will fold, he will morph into something other than what he was purposed for.

A man without faith has no sure direction and without that ladies you cannot be sure of where he would lead his future family.  So if nothing else check a man’s relationship with God.  Can he pray?  Does he know what he believes? Does he live it?  Is he a man of convictions?

He won’t be perfect and yes there are some things that God may be working out or into him…but where is his heart?  Does he find joy in attending church with you?  Does he worship? Does he serve the kingdom in some way? (this doesn’t always have to be within the 4 walls of the church)  Can this man lead you spiritually?

Just a few thoughts from a random good guy.  Fellas lets step up and ladies evaluate properly!

and

Mothers love him…

One of the benefits of life is that it’s progressive.  It’s always moving forward. As long as you are living it never stops.  For a person with “stinking thinking” this isn’t good news, because it means they are forever living with the results of their bad choices and attitude.  However for the person who is forever growing and seeking to become better this is awesome.  Because it means they are constantly seeing the results of new lessons learned and spiritual resolve.  Life always being progressive and in the now is a gift from God.  I guess that’s why we call it the present.  This is a hard concept to grasp in today’s society. As a whole we either celebrate perpetual youth, tempting adults to constantly look backwards or we celebrate constant preparation for the future as if todays importance is minimal.

Recently, I was reflecting on how life can be terribly simple to live and enjoy if we stick to a few simple rules.  Today I will share three of them.  These rules simplicity provide clarity for life.  And clarity for life helps us to learn from our past, be mindful of our future plans but most importantly it helps us to excel in our present.  

My good friend Marshawn Evans (@marshawnevans) would say it this way; “Clarity is a divine gift. It fuels our hope, expands our vision and rejuvenates our faith. Clarity is the best motivator on the planet”

You already know.  Sometimes complicated life choices will come.  Then the preverbal question will arise: “What should I do?”.  The reality for those of us who consider ourselves people of faith is that most of the time we already know the answer.  The choice typically has only shown up to test our belief in an area of life.  Of course its good to think things through and seek good advice, but in the end you already know.  In fact, in John 10:27 Jesus says: “My sheep KNOW my voice…”  When we pray about the choice…most of the time it shouldn’t be for the “What to do”…it should be for the “How, why, when, strength, resources & where to do it”.  You already know what to do and to violate that puts you in harms way making life more murky and difficult than it needs to be.

The road is always roughest when we get off of it.  I love cars.  My favorite cars are sports cars and I’ve owned a couple in my life so far.  My favorite was my Nissan 350Z One thing i can tell you about that car is that it attracts attention, its dual exhaust sounds amazing and it is fast.  They are great on open roads, but horrid in situations where you make a wrong turn and end up on a dirt path or unpaved parking lot. They don’t perform nearly as well.  Life is the same way.  Like a fine tuned sports car as long as we stay on the road and follow directions to our life path everyone sees us and goes, “Wow! Look at that!”.  But the second we get off path…things get ugly.  Life lesson number two; stay in your lane! As much as you know how, stay on the road…and hit the gas!

Your success is specific to an area.  I believe this is true for all people but especially single men.  We don’t seem to be able to adapt as quickly as women.  It’s not that they are better (arguably they are) :-) its just that we are different.  Success is like a football tossed on the field, if you want to catch it you must be in position.  You gotta be in the right spot at the right time.  You can’t do just anything and expect success.  Success is specific and tailored to what YOU are PURPOSED to do in the geography WHERE you should do it.  God has tossed the ball and told you were to be to make the catch.  It isn’t easy, especially if you’ve mad mistakes or look like me.   Statistics say by far you wont make it.  You will have to fight to get into position.  That may mean more education, watching your resources more carefully, fighting your past, overcoming a poverty mentality, being careful who you align yourself with, getting yourself spiritually fit and making yourself better.  It may mean being single for a bit longer so you can focus and bring more value to the family you will build.  I know it isn’t easy, but you MUST get into position.  I am fighting along side you.  This fight is a test of will and skill and you can improve both.  Be EXACTLY who you were born and created to be.  Be that person in the most vivid way.  Get into position. Life is much more clarion clear that way.  The world needs YOU!

by @waltward3

Walter Ward is a…

God Chaser. Sneaker Lover. Blogger. Banker Guy. Good Friend. Story Teller. Influencer. Urban Professional. Speaker. Voracious Reader. MBA Candidate. Curator of Cool.

and

Mothers love him…

Disclaimer: I am in fact a single, straight, educated black man who has JUST within the last few years matured enough to seriously consider marriage. Now for me its about timing and the right woman. 

There is an epidemic in The United States.  A country wide problem that threatens to destroy the very fabric of our union if we don’t get it figured out.  The problem is this; people are not getting married as often as they have in the past.  In fact, many of the people who do get married don’t stay married. The numbers say close to fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  Selah.

My question is why? Intuitively we know marriage is a good thing.  Couples that marry have children and create families, which make strong communities, cities, states and ultimately a strong vibrant country.  Statistically speaking married people live longer, healthier, happier and wealthier lives.  Marriage is surprisingly beneficial for men.  Married men have sex more often and make up to 40% more than their single peers. Yet our generation seems to be waiting longer to get married and in many cases not at all.

The situation is substantially worse in the black community; black women are two times less likely to marry than any other ethnic group of women.  The numbers for black men are down right scary, almost twenty five percent of us will end up spending time in a jail cell. In all honesty when you look at the statistics, many of the problems within the black community can be traced to the lack of couples that marry and stay together.  But again the real issue is why.  Based on my observation and the input of friends here are six reasons.

Finances: Getting married is expensive.  In fact dating is expensive, particularly if you are a man.  The average couple spends over 26k on their wedding and that cost doesn’t include an engagement ring or honeymoon. The average cost of dinner and a movie is north of 145 dollars when you include hair cut, dinner, tip, drinks, movie tickets and popcorn…and I didn’t include taxi(for us Chicagoans and New Yorkers) or gas.  It takes cold hard cash to date and get married.  And if you look at the fact that less than 20 percent of black men advance to college and only a third of those graduate you start to see how this plays out.  The average salary for a black man with no college degree is $18,396 a year.  Its hard to pay 145 dollars for a date on that salary let alone pay 1.5 times it for a wedding.  As a side note: Ladies, men are usually happiest when we are satisfied with our career direction and financial state…dating a man with issues in those areas is usually problematic.

Too Many Choices: For the fellas that are in a practical position to date and marry choosing who to date can be tough.  There are many choices and it can be hard to figure out who is for you.  I call it the “candy store effect”. Even the most God fearing and well intentioned man can find himself entertaining too many “friends” if he isn’t careful.  This causes a completely different set of problems. 1) Men don’t really pursue women like they should…because somewhere some woman is pursuing them. 2) Men can become selfish, seeing women they date as a commodity that can be replaced when the situation requires. 3) Women become objects and trophies to be collected. The only cure for this is maturity, Jesus and a renewed mind towards relationships.  The unfortunate thing is that it takes time for that to happen. Many black men aren’t ready for marriage until there late 20’s and most in there 30’s. 

Lack of Maturity: It’s a sad fact but most black boys grow up without a father in the home.  According to the US census, 75 percent of black children will spend some portion of their childhood without a father in the house.  It’s hard to mature into something you’ve never seen.  Additionally the media (music, videos, radio) in our community define a man as a testosterone driven, misogynist who’s main goal in life is the pursuit of pleasure the consumption of more alcohol, more toys and more women. Look at the most popular rappers and athletes to see my point. Many boys grow up trying to emulate that type of man; the rappers they see on television without even knowing it.  The sad part is they are often successful in doing it.  It’s just too bad that type of a man doesn’t value marriage.

Too Much Baggage: The lack of a healthy marriage in the home doesn’t just affect young men.  In fact, it may be difficult for women to identify the traits of a good future father and husband as a result.  This means that many women make poor choices in who they date and are hurt because of the experience.  Often times the damage is carried into the next relationship with similar consequences.  Unfortunately many of these women never understand that the issue is not that good men aren’t available.  The problem is actually that they don’t have the internal discernment to identify a good future mate.  That kind of intuition can only be passed from father to daughter.  Many times they prefer the immature man without even knowing it…passing over many “good” men in the process. 

Fear: Personally I define fear as faith based on bad experiences or information.  Unfortunately because so many of our families had bad experiences with relationships and marriage we fear it.  We internalize the pain and frustration we saw so many loved ones go through and shy away from marriage as a result.  For men oftentimes we see it as restriction and loss of freedom.  Many women see it as pain; submitting to a man who ultimately may hurt them emotionally.  It’s a tragedy in the classic sense when you think about it.

Dating Poorly: My pastor used to tell us that dating was to collect data on a future mate.  He also would say if you weren’t ready to be married, then why date? In today’s day and age, dating is less about finding a life long mate and more about selfish pursuits in the now.  Let me explain.  Some women are going out to dinner because they are bored, hungry or just want to get out the house.  They aren’t looking to focus their attention on learning about the guy.  As a consequence they aren’t asking the right questions to identify traits of a good husband and father.  We already know what most men want and even if it isn’t sex, they want the attention from the woman and could care less about her being a good wife or mother.

Conclusion: What if we decided to change? What if we changed our focus? What if we made it popular to be married? Making it a point that Sean Carter and Beyonce aren’t just “together” but they are married and then had a child.  What if we saw Barack and Michelle as more than just the first couple, but as blue prints to design our life after? What if women were open and decided that they would learn how to identify a good man instead of screaming that they don’t exist.  What if we did a better job educating our young men instead of labeling so many “emotionally disabled” at a young age? Then they would have a fighting chance in life and be able to afford marriage.  Fellas what if we decided that central to manhood was the ability to love and cherish one woman…as a wife? What if we stopped honoring the rappers and singers who blatantly objectify women?  If we did this, things would change.  We would see marriage levels rebound within our community and our social ills decline.   The United States itself would be strengthened if we got married more often. 

What do you think?

By: @waltward3

Walter Ward III is a Jesus loving, sneaker collecting international finance guy mashed together with an eclectic philanthropist who loves 2 write & talk about world affairs, hip hop, relationships & business… Oh, And he likes to see you be your best too.

2012 is no longer just around the corner but it’s here.  As humans when calendars change we seem to develop an attitude of reflection. Often times this attitude is accompanied by an acknowledgement of lessons that were learned in the past season.  Lessons that become a watery soup of “rules to live by” going into the next.

For me this is true and I wanted to take a few moments to detail six of the lessons that I  learned or was reminded of in 2011.

Fear Not: At first glance, 2012 seems to be a year that has people fearful.  Whether it’s the predictions of the Mayan calendar, the possible return of Jesus or the failure of the Eurozone people are finding reasons to be scared.  What I learned in 2011 is that fear is not fair.  It’s one sided.  It only looks at the possibilities of one outcome, usually the one that seems to cause us the most harm.  Fear is usually a liar too.  The things that fear has been telling us in the past usually never happen.  Most importantly fear is an emotion and as such it can be controlled. Just because you feel fear today doesn’t mean that you have to keep feeling it tomorrow.  For those of us who consider ourselves people of faith, think on these words: “God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power and a sound mind.” - 1 Tim 1:7

Some people cant go: We all know it intuitively and have heard it said many times before: “some relationships are for a season, some are for a reason and others are forever”, yet it still hurts when we realize it personally.  2011 has taught me that the people you started 2011 with are not always the ones that will be with you when it ends.  It’s not a bad thing and it isn’t up to us to classify people, it’s just for us to know this is God’s way.  People in your life typically do one of four things: 1) develop you for what is coming 2) introduce a challenge or opportunity to go to the next level 3) reveal a deficiency in your life that needs to be fixed 4) accompany you on life’s journey and strengthen you when you need it.  In 2012 focus on creating quality relationships with people around you, invest the time necessary to do it.  But also let people play their role in your life.  Remember it was Judas who ultimately revealed Jesus as the savior.

Be legacy minded:  Legacy is purpose all grown up.  2011 has taught me that you have to have the end game in mind.  Never sacrifice your future on the altar of the present.  Choices when at all possible should be made with your long term goals in mind.  This implies a level of planning and foresight; things that take work and discipline. It’s important to be proactive with your own planning because things are always going according to a plan, either your own or someone else’s.  Other’s plans FOR you will be made with their limited knowledge OF you.  And for that reason they can’t be legacy focused.  You are the only one that can effectively plan for your future so do just that.  Most people don’t effectively plan their day, let alone a whole year or more.  Legacies are built and planned, they rarely just happen.

Focus on the details: Details are pesky; they are so small, intricate and seemingly unimportant.  For many of us we think in big graphic pictures.  We see things from a 10,000 foot view and place our value on the overall image.  But 2011 has taught me that the details are important too.  How many times have you seen a great idea lost in poor writing or speaking?  Many times the details that are missed can disqualify you from even pleading your case.  Those pesky details can give people a reason to not hear you.  They are smoky clouds blurring peoples vision of who you are and what you can do. To be successful in 2012 you must concentrate and remind yourself to focus on the details.  It just may be what separates you from the next level.

Do what you can…in excellence: You cant control what others think of you or how they see you.  What you can do however is your best.  Today It’s almost cliche; “do your best”, and unfortunately, “do your best” seems to be translated as “do good enough”.  2011 has taught me that good enough is rarely good enough. In fact good enough is at best average.  Doing good enough is what everyone is looking for.  Good enough keeps you where you are.  But being excellent is purposefully looking to offer more than what is expected. Excellence is a sign that you are ready for the next challenge, the next promotion in life, work and relationships.  In 2012 purposefully decide to be excellent. - Dan 5:12

Prayer works: Guess what? God is real and He answers prayers. God is sovereign and can do whatever He likes, however something seems to happen when we echo a written promise in His word to the world around us. Things tend to line up with that written promise.  2011 has taught me and people around me that when we pray in faith, we should expect things to happen.  If not, then why pray?  Prayer can be one of the most powerful tools we have to affect change in our lives and the lives of others.  When we pray God can heal.  When we pray God can provide.  When we pray God can move. When we pray God opens doors. But remember prayer isn’t a one time thing.  It isn’t a shot in the dark and hope type deal.  In 2012 let’s use prayer in a faith-filled, systematic and consistent way to make our lives look the way God designed them to.

Twitter: @waltward3

NormalisDead.com

Walter Ward III is a Jesus loving, sneaker collecting international finance guy mashed together with an eclectic philanthropist who loves 2 write & talk about world affairs, hip hop, relationships & business… Oh, And he likes to see you be your best too.

Go big or go home. Here are five reasons that you should just go after what you want and go after it in a big way.

1. The cost of a big dream, medium dream or a small dream is exactly the same; your life.  We all have the same amount of hours in a day and most of us have similar energy levels.  The only difference is what we do with it.  If you are gonna work, why not work on something that is worth while?  If you are gonna think, why not think of something that will bring you big results?  If you are gonna dream, why not dream of something uncommon that others never would?  It takes the same amount of energy and time to to do either…

1. The world is facing big problems and big problems demand even larger solutions.  And if you don’t dream those larger solutions up, others most likely will not.  The world needs hero’s now more than ever and that hero can be you.  The Bible says in Romans 8:19 that God’s creation is literally waiting for His children to be revealed. Further down it says that the earth is actually groaning for that manifestation.  Could it be that the planet is crying out waiting for you to solve one of it’s problems?  After all as children of God we should be looking to do just that?

1. Most people think small.  That means that thinking big is a rarity and causes you to stand out more.  Believe it or not; statistics say it is allot harder to ask 100 people for 10,000 dollars in funding for a project than it is to ask one key person for 1,000,000.  Despite that fact most of us (me included) would look for the 100. Sometimes the audacity of the task is exactly what you need to bring it to fruition.  In 2004 Barack Obama gave a 20 minute speech at the Democratic National Convention called: “Audacity of Hope”.  In that short speech, Obama simply outlined his ideals and beliefs about America.  He painted a big picture of what was possible for us, and in just those quick 20 minutes of thinking big…he went from obscurity to a household name and four years later would be the first African American President of the United States of America.

1. What you have been doing isn’t working.  Whatever you have done, it has only gotten you this far.  If you are happy with that, then stop reading right now.  But if you want more…if you sense that you haven’t yet peaked and you have more capacity for greatness then decide to think larger, plan bigger and desire more.  It’s okay, you deserve it.  God created you for greatness.

1. Shock and Awe. Things move so fast in our society now.  We are the MTV generation children.  We are used to information being desiminated in 5 minutes news bites and we are used to things constantly moving.  For this reason in order to break free of the clutter and catch our attention you have to be starkly different than everything or everyone else…this usually means big.  Do something on a grand scale.  Shock and Awe the world with what God has put on the inside of you.  A dream is just a dream until it is manifested.  What are you bringing to pass? Shock the world and turn it upside down.  We need you.  - Acts 17:6 
2. by: Walter Ward III