Disclaimer: I am in fact a single, straight, educated black man who has JUST within the last few years matured enough to seriously consider marriage. Now for me its about timing and the right woman. 

There is an epidemic in The United States.  A country wide problem that threatens to destroy the very fabric of our union if we don’t get it figured out.  The problem is this; people are not getting married as often as they have in the past.  In fact, many of the people who do get married don’t stay married. The numbers say close to fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  Selah.

My question is why? Intuitively we know marriage is a good thing.  Couples that marry have children and create families, which make strong communities, cities, states and ultimately a strong vibrant country.  Statistically speaking married people live longer, healthier, happier and wealthier lives.  Marriage is surprisingly beneficial for men.  Married men have sex more often and make up to 40% more than their single peers. Yet our generation seems to be waiting longer to get married and in many cases not at all.

The situation is substantially worse in the black community; black women are two times less likely to marry than any other ethnic group of women.  The numbers for black men are down right scary, almost twenty five percent of us will end up spending time in a jail cell. In all honesty when you look at the statistics, many of the problems within the black community can be traced to the lack of couples that marry and stay together.  But again the real issue is why.  Based on my observation and the input of friends here are six reasons.

Finances: Getting married is expensive.  In fact dating is expensive, particularly if you are a man.  The average couple spends over 26k on their wedding and that cost doesn’t include an engagement ring or honeymoon. The average cost of dinner and a movie is north of 145 dollars when you include hair cut, dinner, tip, drinks, movie tickets and popcorn…and I didn’t include taxi(for us Chicagoans and New Yorkers) or gas.  It takes cold hard cash to date and get married.  And if you look at the fact that less than 20 percent of black men advance to college and only a third of those graduate you start to see how this plays out.  The average salary for a black man with no college degree is $18,396 a year.  Its hard to pay 145 dollars for a date on that salary let alone pay 1.5 times it for a wedding.  As a side note: Ladies, men are usually happiest when we are satisfied with our career direction and financial state…dating a man with issues in those areas is usually problematic.

Too Many Choices: For the fellas that are in a practical position to date and marry choosing who to date can be tough.  There are many choices and it can be hard to figure out who is for you.  I call it the “candy store effect”. Even the most God fearing and well intentioned man can find himself entertaining too many “friends” if he isn’t careful.  This causes a completely different set of problems. 1) Men don’t really pursue women like they should…because somewhere some woman is pursuing them. 2) Men can become selfish, seeing women they date as a commodity that can be replaced when the situation requires. 3) Women become objects and trophies to be collected. The only cure for this is maturity, Jesus and a renewed mind towards relationships.  The unfortunate thing is that it takes time for that to happen. Many black men aren’t ready for marriage until there late 20’s and most in there 30’s. 

Lack of Maturity: It’s a sad fact but most black boys grow up without a father in the home.  According to the US census, 75 percent of black children will spend some portion of their childhood without a father in the house.  It’s hard to mature into something you’ve never seen.  Additionally the media (music, videos, radio) in our community define a man as a testosterone driven, misogynist who’s main goal in life is the pursuit of pleasure the consumption of more alcohol, more toys and more women. Look at the most popular rappers and athletes to see my point. Many boys grow up trying to emulate that type of man; the rappers they see on television without even knowing it.  The sad part is they are often successful in doing it.  It’s just too bad that type of a man doesn’t value marriage.

Too Much Baggage: The lack of a healthy marriage in the home doesn’t just affect young men.  In fact, it may be difficult for women to identify the traits of a good future father and husband as a result.  This means that many women make poor choices in who they date and are hurt because of the experience.  Often times the damage is carried into the next relationship with similar consequences.  Unfortunately many of these women never understand that the issue is not that good men aren’t available.  The problem is actually that they don’t have the internal discernment to identify a good future mate.  That kind of intuition can only be passed from father to daughter.  Many times they prefer the immature man without even knowing it…passing over many “good” men in the process. 

Fear: Personally I define fear as faith based on bad experiences or information.  Unfortunately because so many of our families had bad experiences with relationships and marriage we fear it.  We internalize the pain and frustration we saw so many loved ones go through and shy away from marriage as a result.  For men oftentimes we see it as restriction and loss of freedom.  Many women see it as pain; submitting to a man who ultimately may hurt them emotionally.  It’s a tragedy in the classic sense when you think about it.

Dating Poorly: My pastor used to tell us that dating was to collect data on a future mate.  He also would say if you weren’t ready to be married, then why date? In today’s day and age, dating is less about finding a life long mate and more about selfish pursuits in the now.  Let me explain.  Some women are going out to dinner because they are bored, hungry or just want to get out the house.  They aren’t looking to focus their attention on learning about the guy.  As a consequence they aren’t asking the right questions to identify traits of a good husband and father.  We already know what most men want and even if it isn’t sex, they want the attention from the woman and could care less about her being a good wife or mother.

Conclusion: What if we decided to change? What if we changed our focus? What if we made it popular to be married? Making it a point that Sean Carter and Beyonce aren’t just “together” but they are married and then had a child.  What if we saw Barack and Michelle as more than just the first couple, but as blue prints to design our life after? What if women were open and decided that they would learn how to identify a good man instead of screaming that they don’t exist.  What if we did a better job educating our young men instead of labeling so many “emotionally disabled” at a young age? Then they would have a fighting chance in life and be able to afford marriage.  Fellas what if we decided that central to manhood was the ability to love and cherish one woman…as a wife? What if we stopped honoring the rappers and singers who blatantly objectify women?  If we did this, things would change.  We would see marriage levels rebound within our community and our social ills decline.   The United States itself would be strengthened if we got married more often. 

What do you think?

By: @waltward3

Walter Ward III is a Jesus loving, sneaker collecting international finance guy mashed together with an eclectic philanthropist who loves 2 write & talk about world affairs, hip hop, relationships & business… Oh, And he likes to see you be your best too.

2012 is no longer just around the corner but it’s here.  As humans when calendars change we seem to develop an attitude of reflection. Often times this attitude is accompanied by an acknowledgement of lessons that were learned in the past season.  Lessons that become a watery soup of “rules to live by” going into the next.

For me this is true and I wanted to take a few moments to detail six of the lessons that I  learned or was reminded of in 2011.

Fear Not: At first glance, 2012 seems to be a year that has people fearful.  Whether it’s the predictions of the Mayan calendar, the possible return of Jesus or the failure of the Eurozone people are finding reasons to be scared.  What I learned in 2011 is that fear is not fair.  It’s one sided.  It only looks at the possibilities of one outcome, usually the one that seems to cause us the most harm.  Fear is usually a liar too.  The things that fear has been telling us in the past usually never happen.  Most importantly fear is an emotion and as such it can be controlled. Just because you feel fear today doesn’t mean that you have to keep feeling it tomorrow.  For those of us who consider ourselves people of faith, think on these words: “God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power and a sound mind.” - 1 Tim 1:7

Some people cant go: We all know it intuitively and have heard it said many times before: “some relationships are for a season, some are for a reason and others are forever”, yet it still hurts when we realize it personally.  2011 has taught me that the people you started 2011 with are not always the ones that will be with you when it ends.  It’s not a bad thing and it isn’t up to us to classify people, it’s just for us to know this is God’s way.  People in your life typically do one of four things: 1) develop you for what is coming 2) introduce a challenge or opportunity to go to the next level 3) reveal a deficiency in your life that needs to be fixed 4) accompany you on life’s journey and strengthen you when you need it.  In 2012 focus on creating quality relationships with people around you, invest the time necessary to do it.  But also let people play their role in your life.  Remember it was Judas who ultimately revealed Jesus as the savior.

Be legacy minded:  Legacy is purpose all grown up.  2011 has taught me that you have to have the end game in mind.  Never sacrifice your future on the altar of the present.  Choices when at all possible should be made with your long term goals in mind.  This implies a level of planning and foresight; things that take work and discipline. It’s important to be proactive with your own planning because things are always going according to a plan, either your own or someone else’s.  Other’s plans FOR you will be made with their limited knowledge OF you.  And for that reason they can’t be legacy focused.  You are the only one that can effectively plan for your future so do just that.  Most people don’t effectively plan their day, let alone a whole year or more.  Legacies are built and planned, they rarely just happen.

Focus on the details: Details are pesky; they are so small, intricate and seemingly unimportant.  For many of us we think in big graphic pictures.  We see things from a 10,000 foot view and place our value on the overall image.  But 2011 has taught me that the details are important too.  How many times have you seen a great idea lost in poor writing or speaking?  Many times the details that are missed can disqualify you from even pleading your case.  Those pesky details can give people a reason to not hear you.  They are smoky clouds blurring peoples vision of who you are and what you can do. To be successful in 2012 you must concentrate and remind yourself to focus on the details.  It just may be what separates you from the next level.

Do what you can…in excellence: You cant control what others think of you or how they see you.  What you can do however is your best.  Today It’s almost cliche; “do your best”, and unfortunately, “do your best” seems to be translated as “do good enough”.  2011 has taught me that good enough is rarely good enough. In fact good enough is at best average.  Doing good enough is what everyone is looking for.  Good enough keeps you where you are.  But being excellent is purposefully looking to offer more than what is expected. Excellence is a sign that you are ready for the next challenge, the next promotion in life, work and relationships.  In 2012 purposefully decide to be excellent. - Dan 5:12

Prayer works: Guess what? God is real and He answers prayers. God is sovereign and can do whatever He likes, however something seems to happen when we echo a written promise in His word to the world around us. Things tend to line up with that written promise.  2011 has taught me and people around me that when we pray in faith, we should expect things to happen.  If not, then why pray?  Prayer can be one of the most powerful tools we have to affect change in our lives and the lives of others.  When we pray God can heal.  When we pray God can provide.  When we pray God can move. When we pray God opens doors. But remember prayer isn’t a one time thing.  It isn’t a shot in the dark and hope type deal.  In 2012 let’s use prayer in a faith-filled, systematic and consistent way to make our lives look the way God designed them to.

Twitter: @waltward3

NormalisDead.com

Walter Ward III is a Jesus loving, sneaker collecting international finance guy mashed together with an eclectic philanthropist who loves 2 write & talk about world affairs, hip hop, relationships & business… Oh, And he likes to see you be your best too.