Disclaimer: I am in fact a single, straight, educated black man who has JUST within the last few years matured enough to seriously consider marriage. Now for me its about timing and the right woman. 

There is an epidemic in The United States.  A country wide problem that threatens to destroy the very fabric of our union if we don’t get it figured out.  The problem is this; people are not getting married as often as they have in the past.  In fact, many of the people who do get married don’t stay married. The numbers say close to fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  Selah.

My question is why? Intuitively we know marriage is a good thing.  Couples that marry have children and create families, which make strong communities, cities, states and ultimately a strong vibrant country.  Statistically speaking married people live longer, healthier, happier and wealthier lives.  Marriage is surprisingly beneficial for men.  Married men have sex more often and make up to 40% more than their single peers. Yet our generation seems to be waiting longer to get married and in many cases not at all.

The situation is substantially worse in the black community; black women are two times less likely to marry than any other ethnic group of women.  The numbers for black men are down right scary, almost twenty five percent of us will end up spending time in a jail cell. In all honesty when you look at the statistics, many of the problems within the black community can be traced to the lack of couples that marry and stay together.  But again the real issue is why.  Based on my observation and the input of friends here are six reasons.

Finances: Getting married is expensive.  In fact dating is expensive, particularly if you are a man.  The average couple spends over 26k on their wedding and that cost doesn’t include an engagement ring or honeymoon. The average cost of dinner and a movie is north of 145 dollars when you include hair cut, dinner, tip, drinks, movie tickets and popcorn…and I didn’t include taxi(for us Chicagoans and New Yorkers) or gas.  It takes cold hard cash to date and get married.  And if you look at the fact that less than 20 percent of black men advance to college and only a third of those graduate you start to see how this plays out.  The average salary for a black man with no college degree is $18,396 a year.  Its hard to pay 145 dollars for a date on that salary let alone pay 1.5 times it for a wedding.  As a side note: Ladies, men are usually happiest when we are satisfied with our career direction and financial state…dating a man with issues in those areas is usually problematic.

Too Many Choices: For the fellas that are in a practical position to date and marry choosing who to date can be tough.  There are many choices and it can be hard to figure out who is for you.  I call it the “candy store effect”. Even the most God fearing and well intentioned man can find himself entertaining too many “friends” if he isn’t careful.  This causes a completely different set of problems. 1) Men don’t really pursue women like they should…because somewhere some woman is pursuing them. 2) Men can become selfish, seeing women they date as a commodity that can be replaced when the situation requires. 3) Women become objects and trophies to be collected. The only cure for this is maturity, Jesus and a renewed mind towards relationships.  The unfortunate thing is that it takes time for that to happen. Many black men aren’t ready for marriage until there late 20’s and most in there 30’s. 

Lack of Maturity: It’s a sad fact but most black boys grow up without a father in the home.  According to the US census, 75 percent of black children will spend some portion of their childhood without a father in the house.  It’s hard to mature into something you’ve never seen.  Additionally the media (music, videos, radio) in our community define a man as a testosterone driven, misogynist who’s main goal in life is the pursuit of pleasure the consumption of more alcohol, more toys and more women. Look at the most popular rappers and athletes to see my point. Many boys grow up trying to emulate that type of man; the rappers they see on television without even knowing it.  The sad part is they are often successful in doing it.  It’s just too bad that type of a man doesn’t value marriage.

Too Much Baggage: The lack of a healthy marriage in the home doesn’t just affect young men.  In fact, it may be difficult for women to identify the traits of a good future father and husband as a result.  This means that many women make poor choices in who they date and are hurt because of the experience.  Often times the damage is carried into the next relationship with similar consequences.  Unfortunately many of these women never understand that the issue is not that good men aren’t available.  The problem is actually that they don’t have the internal discernment to identify a good future mate.  That kind of intuition can only be passed from father to daughter.  Many times they prefer the immature man without even knowing it…passing over many “good” men in the process. 

Fear: Personally I define fear as faith based on bad experiences or information.  Unfortunately because so many of our families had bad experiences with relationships and marriage we fear it.  We internalize the pain and frustration we saw so many loved ones go through and shy away from marriage as a result.  For men oftentimes we see it as restriction and loss of freedom.  Many women see it as pain; submitting to a man who ultimately may hurt them emotionally.  It’s a tragedy in the classic sense when you think about it.

Dating Poorly: My pastor used to tell us that dating was to collect data on a future mate.  He also would say if you weren’t ready to be married, then why date? In today’s day and age, dating is less about finding a life long mate and more about selfish pursuits in the now.  Let me explain.  Some women are going out to dinner because they are bored, hungry or just want to get out the house.  They aren’t looking to focus their attention on learning about the guy.  As a consequence they aren’t asking the right questions to identify traits of a good husband and father.  We already know what most men want and even if it isn’t sex, they want the attention from the woman and could care less about her being a good wife or mother.

Conclusion: What if we decided to change? What if we changed our focus? What if we made it popular to be married? Making it a point that Sean Carter and Beyonce aren’t just “together” but they are married and then had a child.  What if we saw Barack and Michelle as more than just the first couple, but as blue prints to design our life after? What if women were open and decided that they would learn how to identify a good man instead of screaming that they don’t exist.  What if we did a better job educating our young men instead of labeling so many “emotionally disabled” at a young age? Then they would have a fighting chance in life and be able to afford marriage.  Fellas what if we decided that central to manhood was the ability to love and cherish one woman…as a wife? What if we stopped honoring the rappers and singers who blatantly objectify women?  If we did this, things would change.  We would see marriage levels rebound within our community and our social ills decline.   The United States itself would be strengthened if we got married more often. 

What do you think?

By: @waltward3

Walter Ward III is a Jesus loving, sneaker collecting international finance guy mashed together with an eclectic philanthropist who loves 2 write & talk about world affairs, hip hop, relationships & business… Oh, And he likes to see you be your best too.

How do you find the right husband or wife? Is he or she “the one”? Finding a spouse seems so easy for some, but what about everyone else? When Mr. or Miss Right doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, many are left wondering …

“What if I’ve missed the one? What if I turned down the one because I didn’t know if I was ready? What if I marry the wrong person? What if this isn’t the one God wants?”

My wife and I found that when looking for a future spouse, most people tend to put the focus on the other person, instead of themselves. The issue isn’t about finding the one, it’s about being the one.

Peter Haile, in his book The Difference God Makes, seems to agree, saying:

“To be told [by God], ‘Jim, you are to marry Nancy,’ will be very unusual. I won’t say that it will never happen, but it is highly unlikely. Why? Because, compared with whether Jim trusts and loves God moment by moment and trusts and loves Nancy moment by moment, the choice of Nancy or someone else is virtually inconsequential. The will of God has primarily to do with who Jim is every second—what his thoughts, actions, attitudes and words are.”

What my wife and I tend to believe is that any man and any woman can have a healthy marriage. It all depends on how much work both parties are willing to put into the relationship.

Perhaps God does not design a soul mate for everyone, but expects us to work toward being a good mate … because to be a good mate is to take on the character and attitude of Christ. This kind of person has the freedom to choose any spouse, not because of what they get from that person, but because of what they can give.

So how do you become more and more “the one”? What does that look like when you’re single, in a relationship, or married? In effect becoming the one means to become a healthy person (emotionally, spiritually, physically and so forth). You don’t have to be perfect, or even close to perfect, but on a journey toward becoming who God created you to be and ever more peaceful with who that exactly is. Here are some things to consider:

If you are not in a relationship …

We feel it’s crucial to realize that no matter whom you marry, you will most likely have the same personal issues you did before marriage. It can feel like marriage is the answer to making everything in your life right, but in our experience, marriage tends to amplify problems, not solve them.

Instead of believing in this romantic fallacy, take stock of where you are personally. Consider your emotions, past, family, talents, dreams, hobbies, struggles, spirituality, sexuality and employment. Striving to make these areas healthy will not necessarily lead to finding a husband/wife. However, exerting yourself toward wholeness brings confidence, peace and contentment. These traits are very attractive and if you do find a relationship, they will go a long way in making that relationship thrive.

If you’re dating or engaged …

Focusing on yourself can be difficult when you’re dating or engaged. It’s so easy to see the ways your significant other can change. Instead, take time to identify how you can better be the one within a relationship.

Explore what Scripture says about being a husband or wife. Head to BibleGateway.com and do a search on the words “marriage,” “husband” and “wife,” and see what comes up. Understand God’s expectations of you personally, as you prepare to be a husband or wife.

It would also be wise to consult friends and family. Get their assessments on how your individual strengths and weaknesses present themselves in your relationship. Ask what they foresee as the biggest challenges you will face in a future marriage. We’d recommend finding perspectives from people of different ages and in different kinds of relationships.

A few more suggestions for dating/engaged couples are:

- Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to understand giving and receiving love.
- Take the Myers-Briggs personality test.
-Watch one another’s family dynamics. Talk about what you want to be different or the same in your relationship. 

If you’re married …

Marriage tends to spotlight how self-absorbed we really are. Myself and my wife included. Selfishness rears its ugly head when our spouse hurts us, disappoints us or otherwise falls short of what we expected them to be. This is the toughest place to be the one.

Still, there is hope if we put effort into living out our own marriage vows instead of forcing, nagging or coaxing our spouse to live out theirs. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Take responsibility for yourself and take your heart first to God, then to your spouse. Allow God to be your rock, the One who will never disappoint you. You’ll find it’s easier to forgive as well as see areas you personally might need to work on.

Keep in mind, things won’t necessarily be easy once you’ve done all this work at being the one. You and your spouse will have days where you’ll look at one another and ask, “What did we get ourselves into?” When that happens, you can remind yourselves why you got married in the first place. It wasn’t because you found “the one” but because you decided to be “the one.”

Jake and Melissa Kircher write about marriage and relationships at holymessofmarriage.blogspot.com. 

Why it’s okay to let go of the courtship myth.

Ten or fifteen years ago, “courtship” became a buzzword in Evangelical culture. Books like Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye* and Elisabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity popularized the notion of replacing dating with antiquated courtship rituals. It started a lot of conversations and sold a lot of books, but the concept was more popular than the practice. Dating behavior didn’t change much. Courtship mini-movements still surface from time to time. Someone recently directed me to an articleharkening us to a better time when women were wooed and men weren’t metrosexual. Yet modern courtship remains mostly a myth … and I’m glad. Below the niceties and the hands-off approach to premarital romance, courtship has an ugly history.

Marrying for love became popular a little over two hundred years ago. Before that, a woman’s parents would arrange her marriage to a man who could provide for her financially. Courtship didn’t have anything to do with love—it was transaction between two families that would ensure financial stability and the continuation of family bloodlines.

In Western culture, the stiff march to matrimony started to loosen up around the eleventh century when “courtly love” emerged among French nobility. A man “courted” a woman by wooing her at social events held in a royal court. In the courtly love tradition, romantic love was transcendent, the greatest good. There was just one catch: you had to commit adultery. Marriage was so devoid of passion that people started committing adultery so they could fall in love. The good news is that the courtly love movement changed the way people thought about relationships. People began wanting love and marriage to go together.

Colonial settlers in America were among the first to give courtship short shrift. They needed families to work the land and set up communities, so parents gave their sons and daughters more independence. Leave it to the U.S. of A. to put the kibosh on centuries of tradition. When schools became coeducational in the 19th century, courtship rituals started to fade.

Then the 1960’s arrived and everyone went nuts.

The sexual revolution and the feminist movement annihilated courtship. Dating was no longer expected to lead to marriage. The traditional roles of man as the pursuer and woman as the reactor came under heavy fire for the first time in history. Sexual prohibitions fell, opening a whole realm of physical intimacy to couples with no intention of marrying each other.

Advocates of modern courtship intend it as a correction to the sexual revolution. It’s hard to argue against their motivation. Popular culture treats sex as the starting point of the relationship instead of the final consummation of love and commitment. Though courtship corrals the sex problem, its historical roots in the objectification of women disqualify it as a Biblical alternative to the sexual revolution. Instead, we need to figure out what pre-marriage romance looks like for a man and woman with equal power.

Women have a lot more options and control then they did in courtship’s heyday. Courtship is rooted in a model that treats women like childbearing pieces of property. Men fumble around with antiquated practices that don’t correspond to modern female power. Respecting a woman means more than being polite; it means respecting her goals and gifts. In the past, marriage required a woman to follow a man on his journey. Now, a man and a woman go on the journey together. Courtship rituals haven’t caught up with this change. We need a new model. This leaves us with dating.

I admit that it’s not an attractive option. It’s messier than courtship and more cumbersome than a casual hook up. Nobody knows how to do it very well. Dating is scary, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Dating is risky. Getting close to someone can be terrifying without the rituals of courtship or the fleeting comforts of casual sex. Healthy intimacy involves living in the tension of authenticity and uncertainty. Being honest and open with no guarantee of a positive outcome is intimidating and sometimes crazy-making. It’s easy to get hurt. That’s the sort of risk that healthy dating involves. Courtship rituals reduce ambivalence and uncertainty. Cheap sex does the same thing. Dating requires courage. It means trusting God, not to drag you toward a mate, but to keep you anchored to your First Love during the journey.

You might be aggravated that I haven’t specified what distinguishes dating from courtship. How far is too far when it comes to physical intimacy (always question numero uno)? Is it okay for a woman to ask a man out (people fight to the death about this one)? There aren’t universal answers to these questions. Dating is about two people figuring out what it means for them to grow closer to each other while remaining close to God. Ihave some ideas about how that works. So do Lauren Winner, Joshua Harris, Neil Clark Warren, Harville Hendrix, Henry Cloud, Chap Clark and Donald Miller. But nobody can give you a formula that eliminates risk. I guess God didn’t want it to be easy, and he probably has good reasons.

* This book catches too much crap (mostly from people who haven’t read it) because of its opposition to kissing during courtship. Harris has important insights about identity formation and faith before looking for love. Don’t dismiss the book just because you like making out.

Stephen W. Simpson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and a professor at Fuller Theological Seminary. He is the author of  What Women Wish You Knew about Dating: A Single Guy’s Guide to Romance (Baker Books) and Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of  a Cynic (Zondervan).

Exploding the big myths about finding love.

Graham picks Brittany up, and they are hanging out in her room talking before they leave. As they chat, Graham’s stomach starts knotting up. Soon enough, he can’t focus on what she’s saying.

He finally excuses himself and goes to the restroom to calm down. He stares in the mirror, saying, “Be cool, man—this is ridiculous.” Finally he leaves the bathroom and, as he walks out, realizes he didn’t flush the toilet or turn on the faucet to cover for his nervousness. He sits back down again, but a few minutes later, he has to excuse himself for another pep talk.

Returning to her room, he finally confesses, “Sorry, I am just really nervous about this date.”

Brittany suggests they go ahead and leave so he might calm down. As they’re talking in the driveway, the world starts spinning. Acting on instinct, Graham takes two steps to the side and vomits all over Brittany’s driveway. He looks up to see shock and concern on her face. He vomits again. He looks up, and she is gone.

Graham does not have time to worry about her departure because he is busy trying to exorcise that day’s lunch from his digestive system. Brittany comes back, but she’s not alone—she went to get help … from her mom.

So, on Graham’s first date with Brittany, he vomits and helps her mom clean the driveway. And do you know where Graham and Brittany are today?

Well, they never went out again.

What did you think I was going to say?

The history of dating is not one of successes (though they exist) but of many, many failures. What about dealing with the opposite sex makes us so awkward and weird? And why is it weirder in the context of the Church?

The two (wrong) ways

Traditionally, the Church has offered two schools of thought on dating: “It did not exist in biblical times and therefore should not be practiced now,” and “Everything in dating is acceptable as long as you do not have sex.” But both of these fall short.

Society today equates love and relationships with dating; we have been programmed to have a desire to love and be loved. People today express love and interest through dating and asking others out. To ignore this situation because it is “not the way you were raised” is to allow the devil a foothold in a place where churches can least afford it.

Meanwhile, premarital sex is one of the banes of the Church’s existence. Do not get me wrong; young people and adults should likewise be taught that sex is to be saved for marriage. However, other forms of intimacy that are not discussed are killing relationships and forcing people to leave with bitterness and discontent. Emotional and spiritual intimacy should be saved for married couples, yet we throw them away every time we date someone in the hope that they will love us.

Singles Satisfaction

Meet Ashley. Ashley is very active in her church and is always willing to lend a helping hand to others. Ashley has always had a boyfriend. After she breaks up with a guy, she immediately begins looking for another one. She was telling me one day how she was tired of being with horrible guys. I suggested that she take a break from dating so she could clear her head and know exactly what she wants. My suggestion puzzled her as she replied: “You don’t understand. I can’t not have a boyfriend. I would be too lonely.”

Things like this happen when a person does not find satisfaction as a single person. If you are looking for absolute fulfillment in another person, you are setting yourself up for failure. I once heard a man say, “If you cannot find peace in yourself, it is futile to search for it elsewhere.” You have to be satisfied with your identity as a single person; you have to have a growing relationship with Christ, or you will not be well-suited for a relationship. In 1 Corinthians, Paul shares some insight about the benefits of finding Singles Satisfaction: “Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.” (7:27)

Translation: Do not date someone for the sake of dating.

By all means, keep your eyes open, but do not assume that because there is a mutual attraction with a person, you need to be in a relationship. You must assess the situation and circumstances realistically and, above all else, pray about it. As a believer, you are not above becoming attracted to a non-Christian or a married person. Also, do not simply date out of boredom. Dating, in the sense that I have defined it, is an intentional decision utilized to determine romantic possibilities. Anything done out of boredom does not imply a desire to love someone else, but a desire to remove the boredom by using the other person. You may be bored and want to date someone because you have nothing better to do. The person you are on the date with may already be planning the wedding. Feelings have a tendency to spring up when two people spend a lot of time together. If you are with the person for your own comfort, then you are dating for the wrong reasons. You need to date someone because you love them and they love you. Pity and boredom have no place in establishing a dating relationship.

The “right” one

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of his world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

Translation: Instead of praying for God to bring you the right person, pray that God will make you the right person.

Being in a relationship is a big responsibility that is not for the faint of heart. Every person in the world wants to marry someone who is awesome, sweet and outstanding. Are you asking God each day to improve your character? Remember that a relationship is not just about how you benefit from the other person; it is about how you can invest in that person’s life for the better. On another note, pray that God will make you the right person for the sake of honoring Him and not to attract others to you. God will do very little for you if your concern is not for His glory.

People in The Couples Culture hate being single. They hate being alone and feel as if their happiness is defined by true love. Is it wrong to desire a relationship? No. Should that be your desire above all others? Absolutely not. Find peace in God, not in others.

This article is adapted from Friendlationships: From Like, to Like Like, to Love in Your Twenties(RELEVANTBooks). This version appears in the RELEVANT Undergraduate College Guide.